Planet of the Chimps

  It was the year 2035, three astronauts were sent into space not knowing where they were going or when they would be back. Two of the astronauts, Pronovici and DeMoss, were looking for intelligent life. The third astronaut, Hood, was looking for Queen Amidala so he could hook up. The search wasn't to begin until the astronauts reached the outer rim of the galaxy so until that time they slept. During that time, though, something went wrong, something went terribly wrong. The astronauts awoke to find themselves crashed onto a strange planet. They decided to leave the spaceship they had traveled in and investigate. They walked for days and days, luckily though Hood had brought some string cheese along, and even though it tasted funky, they didn't starve. Finally they reached the outskirts of a wooded area. There they saw a sign that read Welcome to Planet of the Chimps ....

The men didn't really understand the sign but knew that there must be intelligent life after all on this planet if they knew how to write. Not only write but to use our alphabet as well and put it in English. Not too deep into the woods the men saw the first life forms they had seen in a long time. The life forms turned out to be tons and tons of super hot naked chicks. Hood decided to do some womanizing so he went over and tried to start up a conversation with one of the women. However it was immediately apparent that the chicks couldn't speak. The men quickly decided that they had died and this was heaven, minus the funky string cheese, until out of the blue they heard a horn. Suddenly the chicks began to flee. Then the astronauts noticed that there were chimps approaching flinging feces everywhere. One of the turds smacked Pronovici in the face and he quickly died. The other two men ran for cover. Another piece of poop landed on Hood's neck and leg, making him unable to run or speak. Hood fell to the ground and passed out. Several hours later, Hood awoke finding himself in a cage. He stood up and went to scream but realized he was still without voice. Then a female chimp approached Hood and introduced herself as Julie. Wow, the chimps could talk! It didn't take Hood too long to realize it but here on this planet, humans and chimps had reversed roles. Here instead of testing drugs on chimps, they tested drugs on humans. Hood had become a lab monkey!

Luckily for Hood, Julie seemed to study the sexuality in humans. So her first test was to put a hot naked chick in his cell with Hood and watch them hit it. Hood couldn't really enjoy the experience though, not cause he was being watched by chimps but because he couldn't remember whether or not he had remembered to tape Dawson's Creek when he left. This testing went on for several days and Hood got more and more upset. He had to get back to Earth to see if he had set his VCR. So he decided one day to sneak out when no one was looking. When the time was right he finally escaped. It took the chimps about 2 seconds to realize Hood was free and they chased him all around the village. Finally they captured him and at that moment Hood got his voice back and said, "Get your paws off me you damn, dirty chimp ... in a space helmet!" This, of course, upset the chimps so they took Hood to their leader. He was a nasty old chimp named Phil. Phil took one look at Hood and sentenced him to be used for human brain testing. Julie had gotten close to Hood, though, and thought he was a special human, since he could talk and all. So she decided to help Hood escape from the chimp city. Before she would though, Hood had to make sweet love to her. Hood agreed and the next morning after a quick romp, the two disappeared back into the wild.

The two set out for where the spaceship had crashed. They were followed though by Phil and his cronies. In no time Phil caught up to Julie and Hood and there was an epic battle. Julied died in that battle. During that battle Hood realized that not only was the planet of the chimps a really stupid place but they didn't even have big time wrestling. In the end though, Phil returned to the city of the chimps and Hood continued on alone to his spaceship. When he got to where the spaceship had been he found nothing but a note that read Went back to Earth so I wouldn't miss Dawson's Creek, DeMoss. Hood couldn't believe it. He fell to the ground and punched it yelling out in disgust. Then he collapsed and died. The funky string cheese had finally killed him.