Wadener University
WADENER UNIVERSITY WADENER STORIES

The Pat Wadener Adventures

  It was Monday morning and as usual Pat Wadener was the last one into the office. It had been a long weekend. It wasn't that Pat had done much of anything over the weekend, it was long because he called in sick on Friday because he didn't feel like coming into work. This was nothing new to Pat. As a matter of fact it happened just about every week.
  Before starting his day, Pat always had to get himself a cup of coffee. At the machine was his good pal Rickety Rack. "Hey Rickety Rack!" yelled Pat.
  "Hey Pat, what's up?" said Rickety Rack.
  "Long weekend." Said Pat.
  "Really, what'd you do?" asked Rickety.
  "Oh it wasn't long because I did much of anything" began Pat, "it was long because I took Friday off. I called in sick. I just didn't feel like coming it."
  "Yeah, that's what I'm sayin'" returned Rickety.
  Pat walked over to his desk and sat down. His pal Jail Rain Smith was busy typing away at his computer. "Hey JR" said Pat.
  "Oh hey Pat," returned Jail Rain. "So you were sick Friday?"
  "Nah," said Pat, "just didn't feel like coming in. Made for a long weekend."
  "Did you do much?" asked Jail Rain.
  "No, I didn't do much of anything." Said Pat. "It was long because I took Friday off. See we are using long in two different ways. I am trying get across that it was three days instead of the normal two. What I think you are saying is that it was long because it was so busy."
  "Really?" said Jail Rain. "You took Friday off?"
  "Um, yeah, I said I was sick." Said Pat. "I wasn't really I just made it up."
  "Oh, so you must have had a pretty long weekend, huh?" said Jail Rain.
  "No," said Pat, "I didn't do much of anything."
  "Probably because you were sick, huh?" said Jail Rain.
  "Actually I made that up so I could get off work." Said Pat. "I got some important daydreaming to do. Can we pick this up later?"
  "Okay," said Jail Rain. "Then you can tell me about your long weekend."
  About that time the phone on Pat's desk began to ring. "Hello" said Pat into the phone. "Yes, yes, that's right. Okay, I think we can do that. No, nothing just had a long weekend. Didn't really do much of anything. You see it was long because I called in sick Friday. Nah, I just made it up so I wouldn't have to come in. Yeah, okay. Talk to you later. Bye."
  "So Pat, about your weekend?" said Jail Rain.
  "Oh, it was pretty long." Said Pat.
  "Really? So did you do a lot." Returned Jail Rain.
  The conversation dragged on until lunch.

Work Schedule Blues

  It was Thursday and everyone was getting ready to call it a day. Dan Botto, Rickety Rack, and Pat Wadener were locking up their filing cabinets when Rickety said, "so Dan you got a work schedule yet for the next two weeks?"
  "Nah, I was going to prepare it tomorrow." Said Dan.
  "Yeah, I don't think I'll be coming in tomorrow." Began Pat. "Think I might be coming down with something. Feeling a little sick."
  "When is the last time you were here on a Friday Pat?" asked Dan.
  "Leave him alone." Said Rickety. "Anyway, I was thinking you ought to have prepared your work schedule for the next two weeks by the end of business today."
  "Really, why?" asked Dan.
  "I don't know. I just like to hear myself talk." Said Rickety.
  "Okay, I'm off." Said Pat. "Thinking about picking me up some new underwear this weekend."
  "Oh, looks like you are going to be having a long weekend ahead of you then." Said Rickety.
  "Shut up now!" said Dan. "I don't need to hear about this crap now. I am sure I will get an ear full Monday when Jail Rain gets back from this trip. He is so annoying sometimes."
  Pat left the office and Dan began to prepare his work schedule for the next two weeks when his boss, old lady Mulva, entered. "What is going on in her?" she barked.
  "We are just working." Said Dan. "I am preparing my work schedule for the next two weeks and Rickety is just hanging around as usual."
  "Rickety, get back to work!" yelled Mulva, "and quit looking at me like that."
  Mulva left the office and Dan Botto continued to work on his two week work schedule for several hours. Eventually Rickety Rack got bored of watching and headed home himself.

Big Man On Campus

  "You know Pat, I don't really feel like doing any work today." Said Rickety Rack.
  "Rickety, you never do any work." Said Pat Wadener.
  "Yeah, I know, but I don't even feel like being in the office today." Said Rickety, "I think I'll take the rest of the day off."
  "Sounds like a good plan," interrupted Dan Botto. "According to my two week work schedule I could easily sneak out of here today and catch up tomorrow."
  "Catch up on what? You don't do any work either." Said Pat.
  "At least I am here on Friday." Returned Dan.
  "Hey, it is not my fault I get sick on Friday and end up making every weekend a long weekend." Said Pat.
  "Guys, guys, settle down," said Rickety. "You don't want old lady Mulva to hear you. I was thinking about going over to that high school down the block and picking up some babes."
  "Babes?" said Pat, "we are like 30! What do we want with high school girls?"
  "They are easier to womanize." Said Rickety. "I mean to them I am all cool since I have a job, a car, and my own place. Plus I feel I can connect with someone on a much more spiritual level when they are 15 or 16."
  "Spiritual level?" asked Dan, "what is that suppose to mean?"
  "I don't know," returned Rickety. "I just like to hit to hit it with girls and usually those are the only ones where I stand a chance."
  "Makes sense," said Dan. "So are we about ready to get going?"
  "Guys wait, here comes old lady Mulva." Said Pat.
  "What's going on in here?" barked Mulva.
  "Not much!" said Rickety. "Just talking about upward mobility."
  "Oh," began Mulva, "well get back to work. I don't want to see you slugs just sitting around doing nothing while I am in charge."
  "There goes a fine woman." Said Rickety.
  "What the hell is wrong with you Rickety?" asked Pat. "Mulva is like 70 or something."
  "Yeah, I like them old and I like them young." Said Rickety.
  "Crise!" said Pat.
  "Are you going or not? Rickety needs some loving." Said Rickety.
  "When is Jail Rain getting back from his trip?" asked Pat.
  "I don't know," began Dan, "did you look at his two week work schedule?"
  "Nah, I meant to do that," said Pat.
  "Hold on, what were we about to just do?" asked Rickety.
  "Damn it, I don't remember," said Dan. "Pat got me all thinking about Jail Rain and I totally forgot what we were about to do."
  "Gosh darn it Pat!" said Rickety. "You are such a lazy fool."
  "Oh well, I do got your work schedule to prepare for you Rickety." Said Dan.
  "Yeah I guess we can do that," said Rickety. "I just I could remember what it was we were going to do. I was all excited about it and stuff."

Pat Wadener Gets Hitched

  It was the biggest day of Pat Wadener's life. He was getting married. Pat decided it would be best to have his wedding on a Tuesday around ten in the morning so his work pals and he would have a good excuse not to show up to work. Not that Pat did much of anything. He usually only worked about four hours a week as it was. He would call in sick on Friday and say he was sick. He wouldn't really be sick, he would just make that up so he didn't have to come into work. This would make for a long weekend, not because he did much of anything but because it was three days long.
  "Pat, I never thought this day would come." Said Jail Rain. "I am glad you decided to choose me as your best man."
  "Well, it was between you and Rickety Rack," began Pat, "but Rickety kept saying he was going to hit it with Jem so I chose you."
  "Who is Jem?" asked Jail Rain.
  "She is the woman I am marrying." Said Pat.
  "Oh, okay," said Jail Rain, "anyway I was meaning to ask you yesterday, when I was distracted by Dan Botto and his two week work schedule, about your weekend."
  "Man, it was a long weekend." Said Pat.
  "Really. What did you do?" asked Jail Rain.
  "I didn't actually do anything," said Pat. "It was long because I called in sick on Friday."
  "Feeling better?" asked Jail Rain.
  "No, see I wasn't actually sick. I just made it up to get a long weekend." Said Pat.
  "I see," said Jail Rain.
  "Guys, guys!" interrupted Rickety Rack.
  "What is it Rickety?" asked Pat. "We were having a conversation here."
  "Oh man, that bride of yours, Jem. She is truly outrageous!" said Rickety.
  "Yeah, that is why I am marrying her." Said Pat.
  "I knocked her up a few minutes ago," said Rickety.
  "What!" yelled Pat, "hey Jem, come here a minute."
  "Yes my little Wadener man?" said Jem.
  "Did Rickety Rack knock you up?" asked Pat.
  "Hell No!" said Jem.
  "Ha Ha!" said Rickety, "I was just joshing you."
  "That was a good josh," said Pat. "Okay I have to go do this marriage thing now."
  "Wait a second," said Rickety, "those bridemaids, you think maybe I could find some action over there?"
  "Probably not." Said Pat.
  "Okay, I will stick with the flower girls then." Said Rickety.
  "Okay, well I better get over there. I think they are starting." Said Pat.
  Pat ran over to the priest who had already begun. "Do you Pat Wadener take Jem, who is truly outrageous, as your lawfully wedded wife?" asked the priest.
  "Sure do," said Pat.
  "Do you Jem, who is truly outrageous, take Pat Wadener to be your lawfully webbed husband?" asked the priest.
  "Okay," said Jem.
  "I know pronounce you man and wife." Said the priest.
  "Okay good. I am glad we are done with that." Said Pat. "Jem, why don't you get to work on making me some dinner or something I am getting hungry."
  "Pat," said Jail Rain, "wanna go get a beer?"
  "Sure," said Pat. "Where did Rickety go?"
  "He left with the ring bearer around the second verse." Said Jail Rain.
  "That Rickety, what a character." Returned Pat.

Open Wadener

  "What's up?" asked Rickety Rack.
  "Ah, not much," began Pat Wadener, "just had a long weekend."
  "Really, what did you do?" asked Rickety.
  "Not much," answered Pat, "it wasn't a long weekend because I did anything. It was long because I didn't come into work Friday."
  "Hold on," said Rickety, "you didn't call in sick did you? Old lady Mulva is getting wise to your calling in sick ever Friday just to have a long weekend."
  "Actually, I called in and said my son, Zagnut, was sick." Said Pat.
  "Really?" said Rickety, "good thinking. I didn't even know you had a son. You haven't been married too long."
  "He isn't our biological son." Said Pat. "We went to the slaughter house a few days back and we saw this little boy mixed in with the pigs. He was naked, fat, and all, kinda looked like a pig but he wasn't. We warned the guy working the chopping machine and he told us if we wouldn't tell anyonre we could have the boy. Jem has always wanted children so she was more than happy to take the little boy. Now we have a son, little Zagnut Gregory Wadener."
  "He sounds like a cute one," said Rickety.
  "Why don't you come over for dinner this evening and you can meet him." Said Pat.
  "Sounds like a plan." Said Rickety. "My sister is in town, can I bring her?"
  "Sure," said Pat, "see you tonight around 4:30 then."
  Later that evening around 4:30, "Poppa, Poppa, there is someone at the door." Said Zagnut.
  "Okay," said Pat, "it is probably Rickety and his sister. Just open the door and show them were the facilities are."
  "Hello, I'm Zagnut, son of Pat and Jem Wadener." Said Zagnut as he opened the door for Rickety and his sister Spice.
  "Hey Pat," yelled Rickety from the doorway, "I see why they thought this ugly, fat kid was a pig. Crise, I'd hate to have been around when he was conceived."
  "Pat, tell your stupid friend to watch his mouth around my little prince." said Jem.
  "Shut up woman and make me some pie!" yelled Pat.
  "Hey Pat, come in here and meet my sister Spice." Yelled Rickety.
  "Wowsers!" drooled Pat as we walked in and took a look at Spice. "Think maybe you can spice up my life while Jem is in the kitchen making me some pie?"
  "Okay," returned Spice, "first I need to use the facilities."
  "Crise, didn't Zagnut show you where they were?" said Pat.
  "Sorry Poppa," said Zagnut, "follow me miss."
  "Man Rickety, you didn't tell me you had a super hot looking sister." Said Pat.
  "Yeah, it really doesn't do me any good. I mean it isn't like I can hit it with my own sister." Said Rickety.
  "Yeah that makes sense. You don't mind if I hit it, do you?" asked Pat.
  "Aren't you like married and stuff?" asked Rickety.
  "Yeah, but Jem and I have a don't ask don't tell policy in effect." Said Pat.
  "Now that is something I need." Said Rickety.
  "Rickety, you aren't even dating anyone," said Pat. "Oh there is Spice. I am going to go hit it now, keep Jem occupied making pies."

Water Soeffing

  "Hey Rickety, who is that guy over there sitting in Dan Botto's desk?" asked Rickety Rack.
  "Oh that is Dan Soeffing," returned Jail Rain, "he is new."
  "Where is Dan Botto?" asked Rickety.
  "He doesn't work here anymore. He got a new job somewhere doing something else." Said Jail Rain.
  "You are a lot of help," said Rickety. "We should be friendly with this new guy. Now that Dan Botto is gone we need to find someone else we can trick into making our two week work schedules."
  "Good idea," said Jail Rain.
  "Hey you," yelled Rickety, "yeah, you new guy. How was your weekend?"
  "Well if you'd like we can meet for lunch today and discuss in. During work hours discussing that probably isn't the most efficient use of time." Returned Dan Soeffing.
  "Man, you are obviously a loser." Returned Rickety.
  "Actually I like to think of myself as a winner," began Soeffing. "In life, it is best to always think positive and keep your head held high."
  "Yeah, so do you hit it often?" asked Rickety.
  "Mr. Rack," said Soeffing, "I believe one's body is a temple and should be treated with the utmost respect."
  "That is an no I take it." Said Rickety. "Crise, I wonder where old lady Mulva found this guy. Hey, look Pat is here and what in the world us that thing he has with him?"
  "Oh that is his son Zagnut, you met him already stupid." Answered Jain Rain. "Pat has to bring him to work now because he was pooping all over the house when Pat left."
  "That is pretty nasty." Said Rickety, "couldn't Jem do anything about it?"
  "Nah," began Jail Rain, "Pat has her cooking pies twenty-four hours a day. She has no time to look after the little pig-child."
  "Hey guys, what's up?" asked Pat.
  "Not much Pat," said Jail Rain, "how was your weekend?"
  "It was a long weekend." Said Pat.
  "Really? What did you do?" asked Jail Rain.
  "I didn't really do anything. It was long because I called in sick on Friday." Said Pat.
  "Sick?" interrupted Soeffing, "who, may I ask is sick? I study medicine in my spare time and would be more than happy to look at whoever is feeling ill."
  "Who is the loser?" asked Pat.
  "Ah, some new guy, Dan Soeffing." Said Rickety. "He is taking over Dan Botto's old position."
  "You mean making up two week work schedules for the rest of us," joked Pat.
  "Mr Wadener, if you'd like, we could meet over lunch and discuss life." Said Soeffing.
  "What the?" began Pat. "Hey Zagnutm go hump that guys leg like you always do to Daddy."
  "Okay Poppa!" said Zagnut.
  "Man, that kid of yours is an ugly, fat little bastard." Said Rickety.
  "Yeah, I know." Began Pat, "Jem cannot make enough pies these days. The second she gets it cooked, little Zagnut has the whole thing eaten. I am thinking about getting a second wife just so I can get a pie for myself."
  "Good thinking." Said Rickety, "Think maybe I could hit it with one of your wives?"
  "Well, if I got two I guess there is no harm in that." Said Pat.
  "So Pat, about your weekend?" returned Jail Rain.
  "Oh yeah, well see I wasn't actually sick. I just didn't feel like coming into work." Began Pat.

The Pat Wadener Miniseries Part 1

  "Pat Wadener," began Mulva, "Pat Wadener, will you please come to my office?"
  "Dude, old lady Mulva wants you. " said Rickety Rack. "You are so busted."
  "Settle down Rickety," returned Pat. "She probably just wants to know about my weekend."
  "Really, I'd like to hear all about that myself when you get back." said Rickety.
  "Okay, I'll tell you in a bit." said Pat Wadener as he walked into Mulva's office.
  "Pat," said Mulva, "I've been meaning to talk to you about the number of sick days you have racked up. It seems every Friday you call in with some new disease. Now you ran out of sick leave in the early eighties and have really been taking advantage of our leave sharing policy. I am beginning to get a little worried. Have you seen a doctor?"
  "No Ma'am," said Pat. "I am fine every other day of the week. I am only sick on Friday. I think I have Fridayitis."
  "Really?" said Mulva "I have never heard of that. Anyway the reason I am worried is because I have this TDY I need to give away. I am not giving it to Rack because he is retarded, Soeffing is too new, and Smith has no short term memory. That only leaves you, but I was worried you might be sick."
  "Where is the TDY to?" asked Pat.
  "Orlando, Florida." said Mulva.
  "Sign me up toots." said Pat. "I have a feeling the change of location will clear up my Fridayitis for at least one week anyway."
  "Great then, you leave tomorrow." said Mulva. "Take the rest of the day off to get your things ready."
  "Okay," said Pat Wadener as he left the office in glee.
  "What's up Pat?" asked Rickety Rack.
  "I just got a TDY to Orlando, Florida!" said Pat.
  "Cool, can I come?" asked Rickety.
  "I don't see why not." said Pat. "I think I'll bring the wife and kid along too."
  "Crise, do you have to bring that little ugly, fat thing?" asked Rickety.
  "Hell yes," said Pat. "I am not leaving him alone to poop all over the place."
  "Okay, let's get going, mind if we stop off for some whores on the way home?" asked Rickety.
  "I don't want one." said Pat. "We ain't got time anyway, come on let's go back to my place."
  "Honey, it's me Pat Wadener!" yelled Pat as he walked into his house and was immediately attacked by Zagnut. "Come on Zagnut, you know Daddy doesn't like it when you hump his leg."
  "Crise Pat, every time I see that kid of yours he is another 50 pounds heavier." said Rickety.
  "Pat, honey," began Jem, "you forgot to take Zagnut with you to work again today and he was pooping in the bathtub."
  "Shut up woman!" said Pat. "Did I give you permission to stop making pies? Oh by the way, we are going to Orlando tomorrow so pack me some stuff."
  "Poppa what is Orlando?" snorted Zagnut.
  "Son, your Daddy is taking you to Disney World." said Pat.
  "Is that what we are suppose to be doing on this TDY?" asked Rickety.
  "How the Hell would I know," said Pat. "I am just going to call in sick everyday I am down there and take my son to Disney World."

  The next day...

  "Come on everyone we are leaving!" yelled Pat Wadener.
  "You never told me about your weekend." said Rickety.
  "I'll tell you on the plane." said Pat.
  "Good, good." returned Rickety.
  "Come on honey, he fit through the door yesterday!" yelled Pat. "We are going to be late!"

The Pat Wadener Miniseries Part 2

  "Ah, we are finally here in Orlando?" said Pat Wadener as he stepped out of his van.
  "Crise it is hot here." commented Jem.
  "Shut you hole woman." yelled Pat, "I brought you along to bake pies and clean up after Zagnut, not to give me insight on the freakin' Florida weather."
  "You are a bit harsh on her Pat." said Rickety.
  "Yeah, I know," began Pat, "she likes it that way. When we first got married I was real nice and sweet but Jem started complaining. It seems her father use to mistreat her mother all the time. You know, hit her around and beat her."
  "Really?" said Rickety.
  "Yeah," continued Pat, "and since she has said she will never love another man like her father I thought the least I could do was act like him. You know, to make her feel better."
  "You are really a great guy Pat." said Rickety.
  "Yeah, I know." said Pat. "Come on everyone, Disney World awaits."

  A few hours later outside the Magic Kingdom...

  "Yeah, hello I am Pat Wadener." said Pat Wadener.
  "Okay sure," said the ticket lady, "welcome to the Magic Kingdom, how can I help you?"
  "I'd like one ticket please." said Pat Wadener.
  "Sir you cannot bring pets into the Magic Kingdom." said the ticket lady.
  "No, no this is my son Zagnut." said Pat.
  "Sir," began the ticket lady, "you might think that I am the stupidest person in the world because I have chosen to make my life long carrier selling tickets at the Magic Kingdom, but I know when I see a kid and when I see an ugly, fat pig."
  "Hello lady? said Zagnut.
  "Crise!" screamed the ticket lady, "That is a child! Oh my God that is the ugliest, most foul looking human being on the face of the Earth."
  "Yeah, I know. I am starting to regret saving him from that pig whackin' place." said Pat. "So can I have my ticket so I can go inside?"
  "Hey, Pat, what about us, we need tickets?" asked Rickety.
  "Nah," began Pat. "I am just going to hide you guys in my underwear and everyone will think I have a woody. They will be too embarrassed to say anything to me and we will all get in for only $300."
  "Good thinking!" said Rickety.
  "Okay, let's go in." said Pat.
  "What do you want to ride first Zagnut?" asked Pat Wadener.
  "I wanna ride Dumbo!" said Zagnut.
  "What a queer ride." said Pat. "All it does is spin around in circles. Hey Jem, that'd entertain you, take Zagnut to Fantasyland, Rickety and I are going to go ride something cool."
  "Yeah, where is the ride where they give you whores?" asked Rickety
  "What?" asked Pat.
  "Yeah, I saw this movie about this place where you get on a ride, there is this whore with you and you hit it the whole time." said Rickety.
  "No, I saw that movie too." said Pat. "Those guys were at the Magic Condom not the Magic Kingdom."
  "Crise!" said Rickety.
  "Yeah, that would be a good ride though." said Pat.
  "Hey look, there is Minnie Mouse, maybe we can hit it with her?" said Rickety.
  "Worth a try." said Pat.
  "Hey Minnie, wanna go over to the Swiss Family Robinson Tree house and hit it?" asked Rickety.
  "No, go away there are children around." said Minnie.
  "Well I guess they can watch if their parents don't mind." said Rickety.
  "Listen sicko," began Minnie, "I have a thingy in my pants, like a guy."
  "What?" said Rickety, "I knew a mouse would probably have a messed up anatomy when I asked you to hit it, but this is sick."
  "Come on Rickety, I think I saw Daisy Duck go by." said Pat.
  "Yeah!" replied Rickety.

  A few hours later ...

  "Hell, I am getting tired of this place." said Pat. "It is way to jolly."
  "Yeah, and none of the cartoon characters will hit it with me." said Rickety.
  "Let's go back to the hotel." said Pat.
  "What about Zagnut and Jem?" asked Rickety.
  "They'll find their way back." said Pat. "Plus it will give us some time to pick up on the maids."
  "Cool, let's go." replied Rickety. "I got a better chance of hittin' it with people who don't speak English!"

The Pat Wadener Miniseries Part 3

  "What is it they call this place?" asked Pat Wadener.
  "It is called EPCOT I think." replied Rickety Rack.
  "Really?" said Pat. "Where are all the rollercoasters and log flumes. Man I love them log flumes."
  "I don't know." said Rickety.
  "Honey," began Jem, "there are no log flumes in EPCOT."
  "What the Hell was that?" yelled Pat. "Did you just speak woman? I hope that wasn't you talking. I told you, no more talking in public. So Rickety what is this I hear about EPCOT not having log flumes?"
  "Sounds like the lies of a woman to me." said Rickety. "Let's go ask that fellow over there that Zagnut is humping the leg of."
  "Hey dude, yeah, you EPCOT dude!" yelled Pat.
  "Excuse me sir, is this your animal." said the EPCOT dude. "I believe they're no pets allowed in the park plus he bothering me a great deal."
  "Don't mind him, he'll be finished up in a minute." said Pat. "So where are all the log flumes around this place?"
  "There are no log flumes here." said the EPCOT dude. "This is EPCOT, we offer two worlds, FutureWorld and the Country Showcase."
  "What the Hell?" said Pat. "No log flumes!"
  "Excuse me," interrupted Rickety, "in that Country Showcase, do they have Norway?"
  "Why yes sir we do." replied the EPCOT dude.
  "Golden!" said Rickety. "Hey Pat, I heard those Norway chicks are really easy. I am going to go hit, wanna come?"
  "Nah, you go on, I need to spend some time with the little one." said Pat.
  "Okay, see you in a bit." returned Rickety as he ran off toward the Country Showcase.

  Twenty minutes later...

  "Hey Zagnut, what do you think that big silver thing is?" asked Pat pointing to the huge globe in the center of EPCOT.
  "I think it is a boat." said Zagnut.
  "What the ..." began Pat. "That looks nothing like a boat. Are you retarded or something? Maybe if you would have said a golf ball or a testicle, but a boat, CRISE! Actually son that is the cooperate symbol of AT&T. As you can see they sponsored the ride that is inside."
  "Poppa I'm hungry." said Zagnut.
  "Okay, let's see what they have over here at his consession stand." said Pat. "Okay, they got Popcorn, Pretzels, Mickey Bars, and Poop on a Stick."
  "Poop on a Stick! Poop on a Stick!" said Zagnut as he bounced up and down.
  "You are a nasty little pig-child aren't you?" said Pat. "I'd like one Poop on a Stick and one of those Mickey Bars."
  "Yum!!" said Zagnut as he took the Poop on a Stick from his dad.
  "No, stupid don't stick it in your nose!" yelled Pat, "Crise, Jem get over here and scrape this poop out of your child's pig-like nose."
  "Okay dear." returned Jem.
  "What did I tell you about talking in public?" said Pat. "Now, Zagnut, I know I am your father and should give you support but Rickety is right, you are the ugliest, fattest little creature I have ever seen. If I wasn't your father I would probably shoot you just so no one would have to look at you again. Crise, you are so nasty. You remind me of your mother. Anyway, I am going to go find Rickety. You and you stupid Mom need to just stay here. Hump her leg for a change. I'll be back whenever."

  Twenty Minutes after that...

  "Hey Pat, over here!" said Rickety.
  "So did you hit it yet?" asked Pat.
  "Nah, man," began Rickety, "but I think I am getting close. I walked up to this one chick, she was kind of fat and nasty but I usually shut my eyes anyway, well I grabbed onto this big flap of skin or something hanging off her forearm and started flappin' it real wild like."
  "Chicks love that stuff." said Pat.
  "Yeah, I think it was you or Jail Rain that taught me that move." said Rickety. "Anyway she turned around and kicked me in the balls."
  "Really, a chick touched your balls?" asked Pat.
  "Yeah man, it was sweet." said Rickety. "It was the first time I ever had anyone touch my balls that wasn't from the retirement home or in first grade."
  "You are a womanizin' fool Rack." said Pat.
  "Yeah, I know." said Rickety. "They were right about these Norway babes."
  "Hey look it is some more of those cartoon people." said Pat. "I think it is Chip and Dale."
  "Those naked, dancin' guys? Where? I wanna see!" said Rickety.
  "Nah, the chipmunks." said Pat. "Let's go throw them in the lake."
  "Okay," said Rickety as the two ran over to pick up the chipmunks.
  "What the Hell do you two think you are doing?" yelled Chip. "We are busy with these kids."
  "Nah, you aren't getting lucky tonight buddy," said Rickety, "I know when a kid wants it and these kids don't look in the mood. In the lake with you."
  "Hey Chip, let's kick the crap out of these queers." said Dale.

  A few hours laters...

  "Honey, what happened?" asked Jem.
  "Freakin' wildlife!" said Pat.
  "Come on, let's get back to the hotel." said Jem.
  "What did I tell you woman about talking!" said Pat.
  "Poppa, want some poop?" asked Zagnut.
  "Can I have some of that kid?" asked Rickety. "I'm starving."

The Pat Wadener Miniseries Part 4

  "Well here we are, Disney's Animal Kingdom." said Pat Wadener.
  "Think they got a phone here?" asked Rickety. "I need to call back to the office and pretend to be sick. I bet old lady Mulva is beginning to wonder where I have been the last week."
  "Crise Rickety!" said Pat. "This place is like Africa. They don't have telephones in Africa."
  "Really?" said Rickety. "Then how do they call in sick?"
  "They tie notes to wildlife." said Pat.
  "Cool. I like wildlife." said Rickety. "You know I heard you can just walk up to wildlife and start hittin' with them."
  "What?" said Pat
  "Yeah, you don't have to ask them on a date or nothing." said Rickety. "You just turn them around backwards and start hittin' it. They just stand there like they like it or something."
  "That's pretty cool." said Pat. "Anyway, I am going to go use the facilities. Anyone want to come?"
  "Nah, I think I am going to ride that safari ride and check out the wildlife." said Rickety with a huge grin on his face.
  "Okay, Zagnut do you want to ..." began Pat. "Zagnut? Zagnut! Where is that little porker?"
  "He was just here?" said Jem.
  "Woman what is wrong with you? You can't even watch a five hundred pound ball of blubber." said Pat.
  "Look there he is, that dude has him!" said Pat. "Hey you, what do you think you are doing? Bring me back my son!"
  "Sorry, sir, it seems this wart hog has escaped from it's cage." said the Animal Kingdom dude.
  "That ain't no wart hog!" said Pat. "That is my son!"
  "No sir, you must be mistaken, said the Animal Kingdom Dude, "this is a rare wart hog from the northern part of Africa."
  "I think I know what my son looks like!" said Pat.
  "Honey, Pat honey," yelled Jem, "Zagnut is over here. He was humping this garbage can."
  "Oh?" said Pat. "My mistake. Sorry about that. That pig did look a little too cute to be my Zagnut. Anyway, I was heading to the facilities."

  A few minutes later....

  "Well, we have rode all the rides they have here now!" said Pat.
  "No, there is that safari ride we are still yet to ride." Said Jem.
  "Woman, normally I would punch you in the knee for speaking out of line but since Zagnut is too stupid to hold a conversation and Rickety hasn't come back yet, you may go on." said Pat.
  "Well, I know it probably isn't safe to take Zagnut on the ride because he might start attacking the other passengers and could harm the wildlife, but I think it would be fun for us." said Jem.
  "You have a good point there about Zagnut." said Pat. "Being around you, though, makes me sick so you better stay here with him. I'll go on it alone. C-ya!"
  "Okay, Zagnut, Daddy is going to go ride the safari ride, what do you want to do?" said Jem.
  "I wanna rock!" said Zagnut as he began to spin around in circles.
  "Could someone please come and hose my son down?" yelled Jem out to the crowd.

  Meanwhile....

  "Ah, this safari ride is quite relaxing." said Pat. "No wife and pig-child to bother me. Look at the flamingo, look at the elephant, look at Rickety hittin' it with that hippo. CRISE! Rickety what are you doing."
  "Shhh man." said Rickety. "Those stupid Animanl Kingdom dudes keep messing up my rythum. Don't let them hear you or they'll see me again."
  "What in the world?" said Pat.
  "I am hittin' man!" said Rickety. "It isn't that bad, just close you eyes and picture a woman."
  "Yeah, one that weighs two tons!" said Pat.
  "Hey, every girl out there isn't a perfect 10!" said Rickety.
  "Well, as long as this gets you to stop being obsessed with hittin' it, I guess I approve." said Pat.
  "Cool!" said Rickety. "There is a hot giraffe over there if you are interested."
  "Nah, I think I am going to go back to the hotel after this ride." said Pat. "Start packing up. We gotta get back home by Friday."
  "Really why?" asked Rickety
  "So I can call in sick and take a long weekend." said Pat.
  "What are you going to do?" asked Rickety.
  "Nothing probably, it will just be long because it will be three days." explained Pat.
  "Hope you feel better, you know, in advance." said Rickety.
  "Well, I probably am not going to be sick." said Pat. "I will just make it up because I don't feel like going in. Anyway, I better get going. See you back at the hotel."

The Pat Wadener Miniseries Part 5

  "Sir, would you like some peanuts?" asked the Stewardess.
  "Yeah, sure. I could use some peanuts." said Pat Wadener. "All these ginger ales are making me hungry."
  "And you sir, would you like some peanuts." asked the Stewardess.
  "Nah, I already got one." said Rickety Rack. "Used it just yesterday on this hot Hippo, I mean, hypocrite. Yeah, that's it, I hit it with a hypocrite."
  "Excuse me." said the Stewardess.
  "You know, I've always wanted to hit it with a stewardess in one of those tiny airplane facilities." said Rickety Rack. "Maybe if you are free later."
  "I'll get back to you on that sir." said the Stewardess as she walked away shaking her head.
  "Somebody is going to be hittin' on this flight!" said Rickety.
  "You're right if you mean Zagnut over their humpin' that asian looking guy's leg." replied Pat.
  "Zagnut, quit it!" yelled Jem.
  "Okay that is it!" barked Pat. "Stewardess, I request we throw this annoying woman in front of me off the plane. She is talking and frankly I am a little sick of hearing her voice."
  "Mind if I take Jem back to the facilities and hit it with her? She is truly outrageous." said Rickety.
  "Shut up!" said Pat. "As a matter of fact, don't talk until we land. This has been a long trip. I am glad I have a long weekend coming up so I can finally relax."
  "Excuse me, sir." said the Stewardess.
  "Yeah, what is it now?" asked Pat.
  "Sir, that pig we let you pretend was a child," began the Stewardess, "well he has pooped all over the cockpit. We need you to come get him."
  "CRISE!" said Pat Wadener as he followed the Stewardess up to the cockpit. He walked in and noticed the familiar smell of Zagnut poop everywhere. "Zagnut, quit it."
  "Get this pig off my leg." said Pilot Big Jim. "I think he is trying to eat me."
  "Nah, man, said Pilot Pants, "he is just getting off on you. You know like I did that one night at the pilot's ball."
  "You were wasted that night." said Pilot Big Jim.
  "What does this flashing red light thing mean?" asked Pat as he interrupted the pilots.
  "Oh, well some of your swine's poop got into the controls so the plane is going to crash." said Pilot Pants.
  "What?" said Pat.
  "Yeah, we could all die." said Pilot Big Jim.
  "Oh my goodness," said the Stewardess, "see you boys, I got to go take up a passenger on an earlier offer."
  "Crise, stupid Zangut." said Pat. "Worse than your mother sometimes."

  That following Monday

  "Pat come in today?" asked Mulva.
  "Nah, no Pat, no Rickety." said Jail Rain.
  "I wonder what is going on?" said Mulva. "Pat didn't call in sick last Friday, he didn't show up, but at least he usually calls in sick. Rickety, I think I need to report him. He has been gone for over a week now and I have no idea where he is."
  "What about Dan Botto?" asked Jam Rain.
  "He left like two weeks ago." said Mulva.
  "Oh yeah!" said Jail Rain. "So Mulva, what did you do this weekend."
  "Oh, I had quite a busy weekend." said Mulva.
  "Really, a busy weekend, was it long?" asked Jail Rain.
  "No, it seemed to go by just like that." said Mulva.
  "Oh, well that is great and all but I am not really very interested." said Jail Rain. "Gosh I miss Pat."